Working Our Lives Away

So here I am, 8:48 at night on a work night. I just laid H down for bed and I can hear her cooing and making little noises from the other room. I've had so much on my mind lately on the subject of family. I've suddenly begun to realize some things, and I just don't know what to do. For starters, I hate that J and I have to work so much, especially opposite schedules where we hardly see each other. I feel like we're taking so much precious time away from our kids and each other. Sometimes it feels like we're working our lives away. Before I had H, I enjoyed being a working mother, but since her birth it's like my priorities have shifted. I used to scoff at girls who aspired to grow up and be stay-at-home moms, but now? If I could quit my job and stay home with my girls, I would in a heartbeat. I admit that I wasn't completely ready to be a mom at 20 years old, but I can now say with confidence that I've really grown in to that role. I still have things to work on, but two things are for certain: 1) I love being a mom and 2) I love my children more than anything else on this earth.

S and H are just getting over colds, and H has been sick since Monday. I had to call in to work on Monday through Wednesday so I could stay home to take care of her and I've basically depleted all of my paid sick time. I thought that I had sufficient enough hours left to cover all three days, but due to a miscalculation on my part, it turns out that I won't be getting paid for yesterday. That's -7 hours that I'll be missing out on getting paid for on my next paycheck, which is fan-fucking-tastic considering that I'm already taking a nearly $700 a month pay-cut at my job from working less hours so I can be home more with the kids.

It kills me that I have to make the choice between working and spending time with my kids. 50 years ago, women could stay home and raise their children while their husbands worked 9-5 jobs, and they would be financially stable, but nowadays everything is so expensive and it's nearly impossible for middle-class women to afford to stay home with their children. If my children are sick, the last thing I want to do is work, and when I do work, all I think about the entire day are my children. J and I are at least fortunate enough that we can work opposite schedules so that one of us is always home with the kids, but at the same time, we hardly see each other and sometimes I get really lonely and I miss him.

I don't know. I just want to be happy. I want my children to be happy. I want to spend more time with my husband. I'm tired of us having to work opposite schedules. We've been doing that for as long as I can remember and I hate it. I hate that we can't fall asleep in each others' arms every night. I hate that he doesn't get home until close to 11 at night. I hate falling asleep in an empty bed. I hate that our sex life is becoming almost nonexistent. I hate being the only one here with the kids, worried that someone might break in and hurt us.

As appreciative as I am to have nice things (a beautiful house, a nice car, etc.), sometimes, I wish that J and I could just walk away from it all and start over. I wish we could get in to a cheaper home, have less bills, save more money, and be able to work less and spend more time together as a family. Life is so short, and you only live once. I hate that our lives are flying by and that our children are growing up so fast. I don't want to have any regrets. I want to live life to the fullest and enjoy the time we have left on this earth, but it feels damn near impossible.

Why does life have to be this way? Why can't we just enjoy the time we have together with our families and not be so consumed with work?

We need a damn vacation.