This is my daughter H. Isn't she a doll? She turned 5 months old a few days ago and I can barely believe that so much time has passed since she's been born. It makes me a little sad that she's going to grow up because I love her just as she is now. I love how much such relies on me and loves me to cuddle and hold her. When J and I decided last May that we were ready to have a second child, I admittedly hoped and prayed that our baby would be a momma's girl. S has always been more of a daddy's girl. She's always been very independent, ever since she was a baby, and whenever I'd try to cuddle her, she'd squirm around or get distracted and would struggle to break free from my arms. She was never much of a cuddler. When it comes to my husband, though, S loves to cuddle, but she is still really squirmy and can't sit still for too long. I love my S, don't get me wrong, but I've always longed for a daughter who is super-close to me, who loves to cuddle and be close to me, and who is really laid-back and mellow.
My wish came true when H was born. She may only be 5 months old, but so far, she's super chill and is perfectly content just sitting on my lap while I watch a movie or read a book. She is quiet, mellow, calm, and cuddly. She is everything I hoped our second child would be. Her personality complements mine so well, and I love her so much. I was honestly terrified to have another child because my biggest fear was that I wouldn't be able to love another child as much as I love S, but as soon as H was born, it was as if I'd known her forever. I felt such a strong connection to her instantly.
Sometimes I feel bad because I realize I'm a little obsessed with H. I don't feel like I love one child more than the other. I love them both so much and try to do everything to ensure their happiness and well-being, but I do see myself unintentionally favoring H over S sometimes. It's not that I love H more, because that's not the case as I love both of them equally, but they are total opposites, and I would be lying if I didn't admit that H is so much easier to manage than S.
S gets in to trouble a lot. She talks back. She does things she isn't supposed to do. She acts incredibly clumsy around H and has come close to hurting her a few times. A couple weeks ago, I turned my back for a moment and S was doing donkey-kicks while H was right next to her in her bouncer. S asks me to get her things while I'm in the middle of nursing H, when she can clearly see that I'm busy. She does gross things like pick her nose, stick her hangs in her mouth or lick her feet, then tries to touch me or H. It's just hard sometimes. I love S, but man. Parenting her hasn't been easy.
Sometimes, I think I hide the fact that raising S has been a challenge because I don't want people to think I'm a bad mom, or like I'm somehow a failure as a parent. S is difficult, I won't lie, especially when she gets bored. My gosh, when she is bored, she is the worst. She gets especially annoying and defiant when she is bored and that's when she tends to get in to the most trouble. Sometimes I feel lost and don't know what to do with her. Sometimes I don't know how to handle certain situations because I don't have any prior experience with babies or children. I don't always know what's normal and what isn't. I don't always know proper discipline techniques. Every moment of raising S has been a learning experience, and I continue to learn and grow every single day.
I think one of the biggest problems for me has been my being overly-lenient, not following through, and not knowing how to handle certain situations. My husband is way better when it comes to discipline because he's so good at remaining calm and maintaining composure, whereas I'm easily frustrated and quick to give up. Lately I've found myself trying harder, though. When I tell S that if she continues to do something that she isn't supposed to do, she's going to go stand in the corner, I follow through with that threat. When I tell her that if she doesn't clean her room I'm going to take one of her toys away, I do. However, I've also been doing her sticker chart with her every night as well, which serves as positive reinforcement. Positive reinforcement works wonders, it really does, and I've learned through the years that sometimes it works more effectively than discipline.
So yeah, I still struggle in the area of discipline. I also struggle with maintaining my composure and remaining calm. I get angry and frustrated easily. I yell. I'm working on those things, I truly am. It's just hard because I've been a certain way all of my life and sometimes it's hard to change. I just want to be a good mom. That's the one thing that matters most to me in life. I could care less about having a ton of friends, going out, having a lot of money or nice things, as long as my children are safe, happy, and healthy. Their happiness and well-being means more to me than anything else in the world. When I get frustrated with S, it breaks my heart because the last thing I want is for her to have memories of her mom being irritated with her all the time. I desperately need to change my approach. I need to be more laid back. I need to stop caring so much about some things that in reality, don't matter. I know I'm a good mom, but I just need to learn to relax. I need to stop being so irritated all the time. I need to implement certain changes in my life to be not only a better mom, but a better person in general. I need to start embracing S' personality and find things to do with her that complement her personality. I need to use discipline techniques and positive reinforcement tailored specifically to her. I need to stop caring so much what other people think.
I am just so flawed, and I don't want the world to see this. I'm a good person with a good heart, but I have no control over my emotions and I'm such a wreck in that regard. It's seriously my fatal flaw.
Can I also add that it's such a scary feeling, loving another person more than you love yourself? Not only does that love make you incredibly vulnerable, but it makes you a nervous wreck because you will spend the rest of your life worrying obsessively about that person. In this case, I have three people that I constantly worry about, but my children are definitely who I worry about the most. I spend every moment of every day thinking about them. When S stays the night over my mom's, I worry about her wandering up my mom's stairs, climbing on the rails, and falling. I worry whenever I take my kids anywhere because I worry about getting in to a car accident with them. I worry about H because of how little and fragile she is. I check her multiple times at night to make sure she's still breathing. I am just a nervous, nervous, nervous wreck. I need to learn how to relax. I think if I could, I would be a much happier person and a better and more laid back mom.
Lately I also realized that I've turned away from certain things I love because I'm worried about what other people may think. I hate that I've done this. I need to get back in touch with myself. I feel almost like I need to rediscover who I am and who I want to be, but three things I know for certain: 1) I want to be more calm and reserved, 2) I want to always put my kids first, and 3) I want to be the best mother I can possibly be.
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